Some Light Relief for the Festive Season

• You kiss your girlfriend's home page.
• Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
• Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
• You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.
• You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.
• You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular modem and a laptop.
• You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.
• All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3.
• And even your night dreams are in HTML.
• You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
• You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
• Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.
• You realize that your parents have moved and you don't know when it happened.
• You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
• Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
• All of your friends have an @ in their names.
• When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
• Your dog has its own home page.
• You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway through Lycos.
• You can't call your mum...she doesn't have a modem.
• You realize there is not a sound in the house and you have no idea where your children are.
• You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
• You refer to your age as 3.x.
• You have commandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.
• Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
• You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
• You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
• You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.
• Your husband says he's had the beard for 2 months.
• You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest games from Apogee.
• You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
• You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
• You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html
• You actually try that 123.elm.street address.
• You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.
• You buy a Star Trek Captain's chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
• Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
• You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search engines useless.
• You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 1.1 or higher."
• You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
• You forget what year it is.
• You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
• You ask your doctor to implant a gig in your brain.
• You leave the modem speaker on after connecting because you think it sounds like the ocean wind...the perfect soundtrack for "surfing the net".
• You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited."
• You turn on your computer and turn off your wife.
• Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
• As your car crashes through the guard rail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.

Some More Light Relief